For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously…
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Get a new car for your spouse. It’ll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand…
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
One Last Breath
CREED
Please come now I think I’m falling
I’m holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I’m trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say
Chorus
Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down
I’m looking down now that it’s over
Reflecting on all of my mistakes
I thought I found the road to somewhere
Somewhere in His grace
I cried out ‘Heaven save me’
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say
Chorus (Repeat Twice)
I’m so far down
Sad eyes follow me
But I still believe there’s something left for me
So please come stay with me
Cause I still believe there’s something left for you and me
For you and me
For you and me
Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking…
Chorus (Repeat Twice)
Please come now I think I’m falling
I’m holding on to all I think is safe
Things you would never know without the movies.
- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of year.
- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
- The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
- All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
- It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place; no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
- Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
- If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven’t been carrying any before now.
- You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.
- If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor’s first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill; just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
- Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
- Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
- Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
- It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
- No one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
Better Together
JACK JOHNSON
There’s no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing
But I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepiatone loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it’s so hard?
It’s not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I’ll tell you one thing it’s always better when we’re together
[Chorus:]
MMM it’s always better when we’re together
Yeah, we’ll look at the stars when we’re together
Well, it’s always better when we’re together
Yeah, it’s always better when we’re together
And all of these moments
Just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they’ll be gone
When the morning light sings
And brings new things
For tomorrow night you see
That they’ll be gone too
Too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way
Into my day to day scene
I’d be under the impression
I was somewhere in between
With only two
Just me and you
Not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be
We’ll Sit beneath the mango tree now
It’s always better when we’re together
Mmmm, we’re somewhere in between together
Well, it’s always better when we’re together
Yeah, it’s always better when we’re together
MMmmmm MMMmmmm Mmmmmm
I believe in memories
They look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when I wake up,
You look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time,
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no, combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We’re better together.
You’re Contagious, Darling
I must’ve caught the cooties
When your lips got close to mine.
I think you were contagious and sicker that you knew.
You had to be delirious when you said “You’re beautiful.”
Perhaps you had a cold, or maybe was the flu.
But for certain there was something strangely wrong with you.
I think you gave me strep
When your tongue tangoed with mine.
It affected your head, and you thought I was hot
but clearly you were not
well enough to tell
You’re fever tricked you into thinking I was swell.
Now I’m twitching something awful
and my throat is blue and green.
When I laid so close beside you
You must’ve had the mumps.
I bet you were irritated by those tiny, bright red bumps.
Surely you were queasy
When you said that I was pleasing
to be with and to talk to all the time.
When you said I was soft and warm
and too easy to maybe love,
Did you really mean it?
Or did you have a bug?
I think you were contagious and passed it on to me
I’m feeling slightly warm right now, and kinda tingly.
Head Over Feet
ALANIS MORRISETTE
I had no choice but to hear you
You stated your case time and again
I thought about it
You treat me like I’m a princess
I’m not used to liking that
You ask how my day was
Chorus:
You’ve already won me over in spite of me
Don’t be alarmed if I fall head over feet
And don’t be surprised if I love you for all that you are
I couldn’t help it
It’s all your fault
Your love is thick and it swallowed me whole
You’re so much braver than I gave you credit for
That’s not lip service
Repeat Chorus
You are the bearer of unconditional things
You held your breath and the door for me
Thanks for your patience
You’re the best listener that I’ve ever met
You’re my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long
I’ve never felt this healthy before
I’ve never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now
